


The Bitterness of Mortality

by Ravenclaw_Peredhel



Series: Middle-Earth One-Shots [17]
Category: The Lord of the Rings (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Romance, Elrond Deserves Better, F/M, Gen, Heavy Angst, Minor Celebrían/Elrond, Parent Elrond, Protective Elrond, Rating is higher than general because Elrond's frankly shit mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:27:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28203834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ravenclaw_Peredhel/pseuds/Ravenclaw_Peredhel
Summary: It used to be Elrond and Elros. Now it is just Elrond.What if one day it is just Elladan or just Elrohir? Then Arwen is born, and then Estel is born, and suddenly, Elrond is losing them all. And it will not be Elrond and his children, but just Elrond.Becauseeveryone. always. leaves.
Relationships: Aragorn | Estel & Elladan & Elrohir, Aragorn | Estel & Elrond Peredhel, Aragorn | Estel/Arwen Undómiel, Arwen Undómiel & Elladan & Elrohir, Arwen Undómiel & Elrond Peredhel, Elladan & Elrohir & Elrond Peredhel, Elladan & Elrohir (Tolkien), Elladan & Elrond Peredhel, Elrohir & Elrond Peredhel, Elrond Peredhel & Elros Tar-Minyatur
Series: Middle-Earth One-Shots [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2092071
Comments: 3
Kudos: 46





	The Bitterness of Mortality

The moment when Elrond first truly understands the implications of his choice is when Elros dies. He knows the second that it happens, not just because he was there, but because he could feel the sudden, crushing loneliness, because he is completely and utterly alone. Elrond has never been truly alone before. Not when Nana and Ada left to save the world. Not when Atya and Atto left to save them. Because it has never just been him before. It has always been Elrond and Elros. And now, it isn't. Now, it will always be just Elrond.

***************

When the twins are born, Elrond loves them so much that it hurts. It also hurts to look at them, two little black haired identical boys, curled up in a crib together. Because it is Elladan and Elrohir. Because it used to be Elrond and Elros. Because what if one day it is just Elladan or just Elrohir. 

He worries over it, even when Celebrían merely laughs. She, so beautiful, so besotted with their beautiful twins, cannot fathom the idea of losing them. Elves are immortal, she says brightly, of course it will always be Elladan and Elrohir. 

Until the day they are not elves, he wants to say. But he cannot. Because Elladan and Elrohir are so inherently elven, and really, they have such little human blood, a drop really. It does not really matter. 

He does not remember Eonwe's words nearly four thousand years ago. And if he does, he reassures himself with empty words. Because Elros and all four of his children chose to be counted Edain. Because Elros' children chose their father's path. Surely, surely his will do the same. 

The fears recede, until he remembers that it used to be Elrond and Elros. Until he remembers that they used to take it for granted that they would be elves. Until he sees the echo of their mortal blood in his oh so precious children.

And he is terrified. Because he does not want to lose his children, his beautiful sons as well.

******************

It is worse when Arwen is born. Arwen looks like Luthíen his foremother, the first elf to choose mortality. It is probably foolish, but he fears that there is no 'and' to strengthen his daughter's bond to immortality.

It is just Arwen, and he is so terribly afraid. Because what if just Arwen means just Arwen. Means that one day he will see his beautiful little girl, his Undomiel, wrinkled and bent and _old_ , just as his laughing, wild twin became a man old, wise and regal.

What if just Arwen is a sign, a warning that he will lose her? He toys with the idea of never telling any of his children of the choice, but he knows it will never work.

Celebrían once again does not understand. She is completely elvish, with not even a drop of mortal blood. Much as he loves her, she simply does not understand that their children, their perfect little ones, might one day choose to be _other_. 

And so he worries, and the loneliness of just Elrond tears at him, just as the Oath tore at his Atto and Atya, as the Silmaril tore at his Nana and Ada, and he wonders if, maybe, it will drive him mad. His parents went mad after all, and even after all this time, he is never sure which ones he refers to when he thinks that. Maybe all of them. 

*******************

He sets his fears and worries aside for a while, more than content to pretend that it will always be Elladan and Elrohir, that he does not believe that just Arwen is a death sentence. And it works, for a time. He forgets, and lives in a little bubble, kind and wise and caring, but not loving, towards the little boys who run through Imladris in an endless cycle of birth and death, each one bearing the stamp of Elros on his childish features. 

Elrond is happy, pretending that there is no Choice, no parting ahead. He pretends that they are safe, protected by Vilya. That none can harm them. 

Then one day, Celebrían is brought into the Healing Wing by Elladan and his heart stops. For one, because it is Celebrían, his beautiful silver queen, and for two, because it is _just Elladan_. And Elladan is covered in blood, both black and red, and he is crying, and Elrond cannot think, because is is _just Elladan_ and because Celebrían is so still and so pale and he cannot even breathe. 

****************

Celebrían sails, and something breaks within him. Because _**everyone always leaves**_. Always. 

And one day, his children will leave too, just as his parents did, just as his brother, his cousin, his king, his wife all left him.

He collapses and Glorfindel and Erestor have to wrestle him home. They tell him later that he was on the brink of Fading for nearly a month, in which time Arwen vanished to Loríen and the twins begin to hunt orcs with a terrible, burning vengeance. 

*************

The worst time is after Celebrían's departure.

Because Arwen is gone, and he knows that Men do not enter Loríen, but what if. What if the next letter will confirm his deep, bone-shaking terror that being just Arwen has doomed his lovely daughter. What if she really is like Luthíen, lovely, loved, lost Luthíen.

Because every time that the clatter of the twins returning is heard, he is terrified that it is just Elladan or just Elrohir. Because so many times he pulls one or both of them back from the Gates of Mandos, and he does not know if he is more relieved in those moments when he only has to save one or those moments when they might still be together in death as he and Elros were not. He hates himself in those guilty wondering moments. 

Because he is so terrified of it being just Elladan or just Elrohir as it is just Elrond.

**************

It is his last, little, loved son who brings light back into their dark, fear-filled lives. He did not mean to love a mortal so much. Because loving somene who will die so swiftly, burn so brightly so quickly, is dangerous. Because he is scared to lose another one he loves again. 

But Estel - not Aragorn, never Aragorn, and not Elros either, no matter the resemblance - is so young, and so happy, that he cannot help it. Because when Estel smiles up at him so brightly, and asks if he can call him Atya, his heart swells and aches at the same time. Because this scene is so familiar, but it is one little mortal boy and an elven Lord but it is just Estel. It is not two Peredhil twins and two scarred, broken Princes. And this child will not be given a choice.

Elladan and Elrohir are besotted with the child, and he is so glad, and so terrified. Because he will not lose one of his precious sons to battle while Estel is a child. Because Estel is oh so mortal, and because his sons love his last little son. Because what if his sons choose to join their little brother. Because what if it isn't just Elladan or just Elrohir, but neither. 

****************

Elrond cannot breathe. He cannot see. He cannot think. He cannot be. He wants to die. He cannot, he cannot. He cannot die. He is bound to the very fabric of the world. He has to be. 

He takes a breath, feeling the pain squeezing his heart with a slowly diminishing iron band, and the world starts again. And he does not want it to.

Because he isn't losing just Aragorn. Because it isn't just his little boy, his baby, his last child. Because it isn't Elladan or Elrohir. Because it might be. Because Arwen, his Evenstar, his just Arwen, is suddenly, gloriously, terribly like Luthíen. Because his daughter, oh his precious only daughter, loves his foster son. Because he is going to lose both of his younger children, his daughter and his youngest son. 

He sets his son a task, a challenge. It is well within his limits, it is a thing he could accomplish easily - merely to claim his birthright. But Elrond knows, because he knows his son like he knows his own mind and you will never meet anyone as trusting or as kind, that Aragorn will not take the easy route. That his little boy will win the trust of the belligerent Gondorim, will try to enact a tale worthy of the Elder Days. And he hates himself, because he is as bad as Thingol, because he is worse. Because he is setting his own son this task. 

But he tells himself that he wants to be sure that his children love each other. He tells himself that it is for their sake. He ignores the voice in his head (it sounds like his parents, like his brother, like everyone who ever left, and it makes him so angry). It tells him that he is selfish, that he is doing this because he wants just that little bit more time with Arwen. That he is taking it out on his beloved youngest son.

He hates himself.

**************************

Go to him, he whispers, standing in the sunlight on Minas Tirith. And he cannot breath. And he cannot think. Because his son and his daughter are wed. Because he is losing not just his little baby boy. Because he is losing his daughter, his Undomiel. 

He knows then that just Arwen was a curse. That Luthíen is a curse. And he breaks into tiny little shards of glass, bright and shining and about to shatter into dust.

But still, he cannot help but look at two of the dearest people in the world, and he thinks that maybe he understands Elros a little better. Because as fleeting and difficult as mortal life is, there is something so beautiful and bright and bold about it that it draws him, as a moth to a flame. 

And he is so happy because Þauron is gone, and his children are so happy and so free and so alive and just for this moment, it is _and_ for all of them. And he is so broken and so terrified, because already lines and grey hairs mar his youngest son, and how long until the same happens to his Arwen, to his beautiful daughter and how long until both of them are old and withered and _gone_ and he does not know if it will be Elladan and Elrohir or just Elladan or just Elrohir or neither. And it hurts so much that he thinks he is dying.

But he smiles through what feels like the torture he once heard Atto speaking of to Atya when he was very young. Because his children are so happy, and he cannot dim their happiness with his own fears.

*********

Elrond can barely board the ship when the time comes. Because it is truly just Elrond.

Because he does not know if, when the ship sails next, it will be Elladan and Elrohir or just Elladan or just Elrohir or neither. Because he knows that the next ship will mean that his laughing, loving, last little son is dead, and so is his beautiful beloved daughter. And he cannot breathe. 

Because, even after all this time, everyone has left. And it is still _just Elrond_.

**Author's Note:**

> Also, guys I just realised. Don't judge me okay, my brain is really slow.  
> Basically, Arwen is Elros' niece not his great-grandson sixty-odd times over (yes I counted) so she is more closely related to him than Aragorn. That means that Eldarion is more closely related to Elros than his own father, which really should make him rather than Aragorn the last of the Numenoreans but whatever.
> 
> Bonus:  
> I was reading through this and realised that there is a Hamilton reference in here. I officially hate my friends.  
> See if you can spot it.


End file.
